Salmon

From Meditation by Eknath Easwaran

The Buddha would say that most people throw themselves into the river of life and float downstream moved here and there by the current. But the spiritual aspirant must swim upstream, against the current of habit, familiarity, and ease.

It is an apt image. We know how the salmon fights its way along, returning at last to its original home. Those who set out to change themselves are salmon swimming against the relentless flow of the selfish life.

Truly, we need every bit of support we can get: we need friends, loyal companions on the journey. We have to do the swimming, of course; nobody else can do it for us. But there will be an easier and swifter passage if we can swim with those who encourage us, who set a strong pace and will not stop until they reach their destination.

The burdens are shared, easing them; the joys are shared too, multiplying them.

Meditation Rebellion

After my meditation weekend, surely my daily sit will be a snap. Consistent and blissful. I’ll rush to the cushion every morning and sit like a buddha for 30 minutes without moving.

This is perhaps just a slight exaggeration of how I felt at the end of my Silent Meditation Weekend. I mean, it was so amazing. I “got it” again—why sitting is so critical for my sanity and peace of heart. I am more clear and connected. More spacious.

Then why, whhyyyy is it that in the two weeks since my revelation weekend my meditation has been utter crap? I’m fidgety, tormented, daydreaming, and cutting it short.

It reminds me of my early 20′s relationships where after a time of increased vulnerability and intimacy, there would be a pulling back and withdrawing. Almost like the new level of closeness was too scary.

Maybe this is my meditation immaturity.

In struggling these last two weeks, only one thing has helped: giving my mind something to focus on, something to distract it. There are hundreds of techniques like this, this one just happens to work for me.

In that hope, I share it with you.

Let me know how it goes.

Body Meditation [click to play!]

Words that bug

Language is powerful. The Buddha said so.

Slowing down for Recess and noticing verbal reactions related to time have made me more sensitive to this power.

As an ongoing experiment, I’ve listed five words that I’d like to excuse from my vocabulary… find new patterns for. Wish me luck (oye, there’s another word I’m not fond of… maybe the start of list #2).

***

Word:  Sorry – as in I’m sorry.

Why:  For starters, think of what that words means – sorry. Yes it’s “feeling distress or sympathy,” but it also means “in a poor or pitiful state.” I certainly don’t want to put “I am” in front of that!!

My mom says I’m sorry for everything. Even for things she doesn’t have any role in. Rather than it coming out as compassionate feeling for my frustration (or whatever) it comes across as I’m sorry – it’s my fault, which does two things: it puts responsibility on her for something that is not her responsibility; and it puts the focus on her rather than my feeling.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have my stepdaughter (another non-favorite word, so usually I use “bonus daughter” but honestly, she’s not feeling like much of a bonus right now). Here we have the typical teen-style, flat and empty, sorry. As though just saying the word absolves her from any and all responsibility (there’s that word again).

Try Instead:  If you are “feeling distress or sympathy” why not say that? Wow, honey…I feel for you. Or relate to the actual emotion, Geez, that must hurt. Or, if you are apologizing, I apologize or Will you forgive me are so much more clear.

***

Word:  Interesting – as in that’s interesting.

Why:  Someone told me that interesting is a “lazy” word (she said it because I’d just used the word!). We use it to pretend that we’re paying attention or when we don’t know what else to say. We use it to mean a thousand things, but really, it doesn’t mean much on its own.

Try Instead:  Say what you mean – What a great idea… I don’t totally agree with you, but I want to give that some thought… I’ve never looked at it that way… I wasn’t really paying attention, can you repeat that?

***

Word:  Retarded – as in that’s retarded.

Why:  I don’t really need to lay this out, right?

Try Instead:  Oh, I don’t know… silly? goofy? oh fiddlesticks? Not a big fan of stupid or lame, even though I say both. I have a hard time finding an adequate replacement without being all English butler, That’s quite to my disliking.

***

Word:  Should – as in you should…

Why:  We all know. And in case this is one of your favorite peeves, this is a great post about it.

Try Instead: I’d like to… What if you… Have you considered… I want to… I need to… Or just letting it go.

***

Word:  Universal Consciousness – as in tap into the universal consciousness

Why:  Whyyyyy??? <shaking fists at sky> I’m a yoga teacher for god’s sake. I should (see above) love shit like this.

But I don’t. It bugs me.

I’m not saying there isn’t universal consciousness, I just don’t want to be told to “tap into it.”

Maybe it’s tag phrases that I don’t like. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve heard these expressions in class and sometimes they seem rehearsed and empty.

So please don’t ask me to Make manifest my desires. Or to Look up to be enlightened. Or Tap into universal consciousness.

Try Instead:  Something more real. Something tangible. Notice your breath… Notice what you’re feeling right now… Your state of mind, your energy, your emotions… Maybe even letting me explore, Do you sense something beyond yourself, something bigger than this room, this moment? Ya, something like that.

***

What words bug you? Do you have other “try instead” suggestions? Does swearing in another language help? Do you make up words? What are you working on?

Pain

For the first time, maybe ever, I feel afraid of my own body. Afraid of its potential for pain.

Monday morning around 10 I sensed another kidney stone coming on. <Insert four letter word of choice.>

My first thought was, ok, if I start drinking water now, it should pass by noon and then it will be life-as-usual.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Sparing the details, R took me to the ER at 6 pm. We were seen at 9, immediately got IV drugs and fluids (drugs are goooood), had an ultrasound, then a CT, and went home around 2.

Slept most of yesterday. Couldn’t tell when the stone actually passed into the bladder as I still had some pain down the right side through the afternoon.

And today… virtually no pain, no nausea, some soreness, and lots of fear.

I am actually afraid of my body.

This is my 4th kidney stone: 2 a month apart about 4 years ago, and one a little over a month ago. The ridiculous news is that the CT shows another stone on the edge of entry into the ureter. Golly, can’t wait.

The previous stones all passed within 3 hours, one with no vomiting or intense discomfort. Not that the other 2 were fun, but they were a walk in the park compared to Monday.

They say kidney stones are worse than childbirth. I didn’t believe that before. Again, not fun, but childbirth? Come on.

Now, I’m ready to say it’s true. But as my mom pointed out, I don’t have a cute little baby to make the pain worthwhile.

I just have this fear. I’m still hunching over as if the memory of the pain has closed my heart. I can’t imagine stretching or doing yoga. Just to lie flat would feel vulnerable and scary. Child’s pose, fetal, thumb sucking is all I can manage.

The Buddha said that this is an embodied path–everything we need to learn in this life we can learn in this body. I kept thinking, nothing brings us right into the moment like pain, and yet, the barters I made with God and the present moment did not feel very embodied.

I suppose this new relationship my body and I are developing will be one of greater respect, awareness, capacity, and ultimately, love. For now, I feel like a baby animal just trying to get her feet back under her legs.

Dear Diary

Coming back to my blog after a break feels like it used to when I’d stray from my diary. There I’d be, after weeks, “Dear Diary. I’m sorry it’s been so long.”

Then I’d recap everything that had happened to account for my absence.

No recap here. In fact, things have been quite un-notable. My ass still hurts, still busy, family stuff, yoga yoga yoga. Nothing major in any one of the life categories.

This could very well be a good thing–however, it is feeling more monotonous than dependable.

Last week in Madeleine’s wonderful class, three people around me were snoring in savasana. (Or at least there were three distinct snore sounds.)

It reminded me that, in general, we are really good at highs and lows, extremes (we are also really tired). Either busy and buzzing or snoring. We forget the beauty of the Middle Way. I’ve been noticing this in myself–either engaged bordering on agitated or bored and nodding off.

My movement is toward engaged and relaxed, present and calm… what the Buddha called Awake.

Cut to======>

Dear Diary,

Sorry it’s been so long. Things have been perfectly, exquisitely ordinary. Today I am present and soft and paying attention.