Still Dreaming

Another noteworthy dream last night.

This one includes a rodeo, black cows (not bulls), “cowboys” on foot, and a black panther. 

The rodeo game is between a cow released from the chute and the cowboy, who is really more like a clown. At one point, the chute opens and a black panther comes out instead of the cow and runs out the gate of the arena.  I follow (which is ridiculous because I’m deathly afraid of large carnivorous animals) and find that after scaring some chickens it has settled down under a table. My sister and I sit at the table and the panther comes over to me. My heart is racing, the fear is huge. The cat rubs against me a little bit and then goes to my sister who pets it. It eventually curls up in her lap. 

Voice: me, my sister, the panther

Me
First off, this cowboy game is dumb. Why are they always picking on cows?
Holy crap, that’s a black panther! Panic! Run! Hide!
Heart is racing, where is it? Who is it killing now?
<Chickens clacking….> AAACK, it’s probably eating all the chickens!
I see the shadow of it running… dark + shadows + panther = SCARY 
Oh my God, it’s touching me… it’s close… it’s huge and mean and it might hurt me.
Look how nice it’s being over there…. I feel safe as long as there’s distance between us.
Maybe it could like me, too. Maybe I could be less afraid.

My sister
Look at this nice kitty. He’s sweet and loving.

Panther
Finally released! I’m outta here!
Where to go, where to go?  Ooops… some chickens over there…
I’ll just rest under this nice table.
I’ll rub up against this person. I just want some love.
She seems scared, nervous, tense. Is it me?
This one is nice… affectionate. I like that.

 More from Gabrielle Roth:

True darkness is distinct from the shadow world, where we shove all the stuff that we’d like to hide and that then stalks us. Darkness is our sanctuary, a place where we find our divinity.

A cut flower only lasts a week at most, but a flower attached to its roots can be reborn season after season. When it’s connected to the dark within, its very nature is to seek the light. To be cut off from one’s inner source, what Dylan Thomas calls “the force that through one green fuse drives the flower,” leaves us afraid to close our eyes, sit in the dark, listen to the silence, savor the emptiness, fall into the lap of the Cosmic Mother.

This is what I read right before going to sleep. I have a gripping fear of the dark.

I also had a “bodywork” session this week that addressed my sacrum and my heart. The practitioner told me he thinks there’s a lot of sadness and holding around my heart. The work resulted in an unexpected vulnerability the rest of the day.

This seems like a puzzle to which I do not yet have all the pieces.

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