For the first time, maybe ever, I feel afraid of my own body. Afraid of its potential for pain.

Monday morning around 10 I sensed another kidney stone coming on. <Insert four letter word of choice.>

My first thought was, ok, if I start drinking water now, it should pass by noon and then it will be life-as-usual.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Sparing the details, R took me to the ER at 6 pm. We were seen at 9, immediately got IV drugs and fluids (drugs are goooood), had an ultrasound, then a CT, and went home around 2.

Slept most of yesterday. Couldn’t tell when the stone actually passed into the bladder as I still had some pain down the right side through the afternoon.

And today… virtually no pain, no nausea, some soreness, and lots of fear.

I am actually afraid of my body.

This is my 4th kidney stone: 2 a month apart about 4 years ago, and one a little over a month ago. The ridiculous news is that the CT shows another stone on the edge of entry into the ureter. Golly, can’t wait.

The previous stones all passed within 3 hours, one with no vomiting or intense discomfort. Not that the other 2 were fun, but they were a walk in the park compared to Monday.

They say kidney stones are worse than childbirth. I didn’t believe that before. Again, not fun, but childbirth? Come on.

Now, I’m ready to say it’s true. But as my mom pointed out, I don’t have a cute little baby to make the pain worthwhile.

I just have this fear. I’m still hunching over as if the memory of the pain has closed my heart. I can’t imagine stretching or doing yoga. Just to lie flat would feel vulnerable and scary. Child’s pose, fetal, thumb sucking is all I can manage.

The Buddha said that this is an embodied path–everything we need to learn in this life we can learn in this body. I kept thinking, nothing brings us right into the moment like pain, and yet, the barters I made with God and the present moment did not feel very embodied.

I suppose this new relationship my body and I are developing will be one of greater respect, awareness, capacity, and ultimately, love. For now, I feel like a baby animal just trying to get her feet back under her legs.

3 Responses to “Pain”

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  2. 2 dj et animation pour mariage Bromont September 14, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    It’s hard to come by experienced people on this subject, but you seem like
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  1. 1 Doing less with a full heart « Blogasana's Blog Trackback on January 7, 2010 at 6:36 am

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