Damn that resistance

As part of YTT, yesterday the ever-lovely Havi Brooks was with us to share her genius marketing advice (which might be as simple as “be yourself — in print, online, in class, and day to day, just be you”), inspiring us with the idea that you can actually make a living teaching yoga.

As part of the workshop, Havi addressed the fact that some of us have serious resistance that makes us deaf to these topics in the first place: feeling like “marketing” is schmoozy and gross, issues around charging for our services and making money, fears and insecurities that undermine even the best laid plans. So we dealt with this first.

Which meant, Shiva Nata.

It’s sort of a dance, sort of a brain game, sort of fun, sort of frustrating. I’ve had the instructional DVD for a couple of years and now I know why I’ve never taken off the plastic wrap.

No matter what it is… what is does is trippy. It messes with your brain, which wants to see patterns and make sense. The randomness is confusing and helps to short-circuit unconscious habits.

Related to all of this, I had a dream last night of my high school boyfriend. He’s been showing up frequently in my dreams lately… talk about resistance.

In the dream, I am married to and cheating on R to see this old boyfriend. The physical and emotional longing is intense, painful, immature, and very very old.

I was upset when I awoke and didn’t want to talk to R about it, so I did the voices in my head.

I want this so badly.
It’s familiar and comfortable.
It comes from a time in my life when things were simple and innocent.
I could leave everything I know and run away to this.
I just want to be loved, I want him to accept and love me.
He wants me so badly–I’ve always wanted him to want me.
I feel so badly for betraying R.
I’m so torn–feeling like two people at the same time.

There were a bunch of horses in the dream, but I wasn’t getting that they were significant.

Old bf:

And more crickets. And I couldn’t come up with anything. There’s no voice there at all.

Let me back up and explain that as part of an exercise yesterday, Havi asked us to connect with a quality of resistance we were feeling. Right away I had my focus.

She led us through a series of questions about the resistance…

“What is it saying?”

I need you to love me.

“What does it want?”


But when she asked, “What next?” I heard those same crickets.

Maybe I’m not ready to know, maybe I’m totally disconnected or on a different frequency.

Like my impending kidney stone, I feel like I’m on the precipice of something… of letting go, a passing on, a moving through. Whatever it is, I can’t hear it… this voice of my resistance, symbolized by my asshole old boyfriend.


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