Re-entry

Re-entry is tough.

I often have a hard time with coming back from retreat to the circumstances of mail, making the bed, litter boxes, the expectations of other people. When my retreat time has come to an end in the past I have felt any combo of sad, anxious, conflicted, and tight. Alas, this time is no different.

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As much as I was concerned about…  well, everything at this retreat (the food, the people, having a roommate, getting enough alone time, having to share…), by the end I just adored these sweet, quirky characters who have such immense, tangled stories. Sometimes it was enough to make my heart crack.

And Havi created this fun, spacious, intentionally awkward container where we could really let the Monsters go. She gave so much permission around doing, not doing, not feeling bad about doing or not doing, letting other people do or not do… it was brilliant. She is amazing at what she does, even though I haven’t quite figured out what that is.

The pull of old patterns is strong today.

In some ways I want to write and talk and tell about everything that happened; in other ways I want to curl up in the corner and cry, pretending like it never happened.

Maybe my biggest fear is that after a couple of days, maybe a week, I’ll be exactly the same. All this work, all this time, all this sharing… and I’ll be stuck in the same. old. rut.

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This here is resistance—part pattern, part stuck, part monster.

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But nowwwwww I have a Negotiator. Maps. A metaphor (yes, even fairies get sad sometimes). And a little pink monster to talk to. Truly, nothing is the same. Just remembering that I have those tools means nothing will ever be the same again.

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