Naked and Lost

**Frustrated Editor’s Note: Internet Wi Fi Connection Bullshit Issues Suck hence Multiple Non Posting Days

Yesterday (not really yesterday now due to **, but let’s pretend) I went to Wilbur Hot Springs. It’s been two years since my first time there.

It was, as I remembered it, quiet, serene, smelly, naked, and peaceful, with warm, green pools that will soak up your blues.

In general, I don’t have any problem being naked. I don’t have a problem with other people being naked.

But yesterday I found myself somewhat self-conscious. I didn’t go into the swimming pool because I didn’t want to walk the 20 steps and go over there by those other people. I soaked in the baths twice and then drove home.

All this nakedness isn’t the point of the story. I’m getting there.

***

On the way home I noticed a sign for Woodland, a town on I-5 about 15 minutes from Sacramento. Instead of driving on the Interstate, this looked like a sweet, back road journey. The Scenic Route, if you will.

But I missed the turn off and spent the next 30 seconds in debate with my inner 90 year old paranoid grandma:

That looked like a great way to go.

But you don’t know where it ends up.

Uh, it said “Woodland.”

But what if you get lost?

And?

What if someone kidnaps you?

That’s not going to happen.

You don’t know. It could. You should be more careful.

Ugh. I’m turning back.

So I had a lovely drive through small towns, beautiful winding roads, and cattle-spotted hills.

And I did get lost. In Woodland. For about 3 minutes.

But this isn’t about that either.

***

It’s about how uncomfortable it is to go outside of my comfort zone. And increasingly more so lately.

How nervous and neurotic I can be.

The more secure I feel in my protected, very small world, the more nervous I seem to be about doing something that is outside of it. Something unknown.

***

I’ve heard that all fears stem from the fear of death.

I think there are lots of deaths happening in and around me right now: the death of a way of appearing to the world, the death of the way I see myself, the death of particular dynamics in our family, the death of certain unhealthy patterns. The little deaths that come with change.

Some of these things I’m choosing, some have a life and evolution of their own.

Each is to be grieved and bowed to. Thanked and released.

There will be times I’ll feel naked and lost. It’s ok.

The death of each thing means the birth of something else.

My commitment is to stretch open my hands, the gesture of both letting go of that which is passing and welcoming that yet to be.

Advertisements

8 Responses to “Naked and Lost”


  1. 1 Tami February 22, 2010 at 2:04 am

    love the noticing.

    love the image of the open hands letting go and receiving.

  2. 2 elizabeth February 22, 2010 at 4:33 am

    It is easier for me to step outside my comfort zone for larger things than it is for smaller things. Move across the country without ever having been there – sure. Drive to the coast in the afternoon (but I always leave in the morning) – yikes. I don’t know why that is, but it’s what your post reminded me of.

    I love your noticing – and the connections drawn. Death and rebirth. Saying goodbye and hello. Thank you for that reminder.

  3. 3 blogasana February 22, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    @tami – expect that image in class soon!

    @elizabeth – me too! why are the smaller things harder? strange…

  4. 4 Keleigh February 23, 2010 at 8:18 am

    This is just…exactitude. Your words articulate my experience perfectly.

    I feel bare and vulnerable just reading it, and that is a very, very good thing. You exude such courage, confidence, persistence & patience in your awareness process. These are all qualities I am calling forth & claiming as my own. It’s easy to get discouraged and feel isolated in the letting-go, ego-crumbling experience…Thank you for the inspiration & example. <3

  5. 6 Michael from Wilbur! March 6, 2010 at 12:00 am

    This, truly, is a stunning post. I was led here, of course, with my perked ears always listening for fans or friends chatting about us… and although we have artists visit us often, it is rare we get to see into the soul and heart of some of our guests, no matter how intimate and family like a regular they may be.

    Your thoughts call out to so many of our own experiences, and with this empathy I can see how many relate to you… and your ability to open us up to learning more about ourselves just because you are willing to be so open yourself.

    I note the ego is so closely tied to mortality, and the bittersweet concepts of losing our minds or lives…. or dissolving into the ebb flow of time. It consumes me, and I always feel a calm panic to reconnect, listen to myself, and understand how these feelings affect or control me.

    I have experienced the same compulsion to isolate myself into barriers of mundane comfort, just so that I don’t lose my ability to experience life. In that, I shut myself off from living it in favor of caution and control.

    Your post has reminded me how to live life… how to spark the power of emotion and feeling just by stepping a wee bit outside one’s own comfort levels. It is something I hope to focus on and challenge myself with during this year and many more…..

    thank you for stirring that thought in me, and moving myself to experience life in a more meaningful, deeper context; not just in regards to myself, but in regards to the place I inhabit in a much larger existence….

    Stepping out of your comfort zones forces you to nobly cower under our mortal sky…. and realize our place in this universe may be just part of something so large we couldn’t possibly understand.

    But in this comes humble knowledge, and when we shed that ego we can truly blend into the earth and sky and begin to live as part of a broader existence.

    Beautiful thoughts…. thank you so much for ending a Friday at work by encouraging my mind to expand into foreign territory!

    • 7 blogasana March 7, 2010 at 4:21 am

      wow, thanks so much Michael from Wilbur!

      and back at you… you post(s) are rich and provoking. isn’t the web an amazing way to connect with people we may otherwise never know!?

      thanks for making one of those connections =)


  1. 1 Doubt Day Trackback on October 3, 2011 at 9:04 pm

How about you?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 79 other followers

Topics

Tweets


%d bloggers like this: