same diary, different day

I filled another journal this morning. My second of the year.

Scanning back through the months—April… July…  even earlier this month—I’m writing the same thing over and over.

Ridiculous lack of self care this week.

Feeling so tired.

Recommitting to less computer/work time.

And… here I am again in another week of the same. The same entry, different date.

I get the thing about patterns—the grooves, the rut. I get that it’s hard to make change.

Being an entrepreneur certainly doesn’t help this specific issue (don’t hear me wrong, though—I wouldn’t trade my work for anything): I don’t have to be up at a certain time; unless I have a private client or social outing, I don’t have to get dressed until the evening when I teach (and never if I don’t); and I don’t go “home” after work—uh, already there.

My issue is not not being accountable, not showing up, not doing the work… it’s not stopping.

The irony, of course, is that I’ve dedicated my life to teaching others how to take care of themselves, and in a sense, I get to take care of them for the 75 minutes of class.

In the pages of this blog there are declarations of being better, sticking to a schedule, setting very clear intentions.

I’m not going to do that today. Kind of tired of it, frankly.

Admittedly, the story of it all can become a sort of badge (similar to I’m so busy).

In a free podcast via Sounds True, David Whyte shares a rhetorical question his wife, a psychologist, asks: Why is it so difficult to claim our own happiness? Because if you did, large parts of yourself would be immediately unemployed.

What might happen if I take care of myself? What other parts of me would need to die or fall away? Who would this new me be?

This provides clues to an answer. Or at least better questions.

This is where I meet Wednesday morning. No declarations, no shiny goals. Just little tiny changes. And a new diary.

***

How do you stick to commitments? Tricks for making changing habits less painful? How do you keep balance in your life?

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5 Responses to “same diary, different day”


  1. 1 deborah August 25, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    my physical therapist said to me yesterday that maybe my condition would improve if i just stopped trying so hard to improve it. i was blown away – just stop trying so hard??? so counter to my way of things! but intuitively, i knew she was on to something. sometimes the “trying” to self care becomes more of a burden and outweighs the results.

    thanks for the perspective!

  2. 2 Tracy August 26, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    These questions are poignant ones, ones similar to what I am asking myself at the moment. I’m in the process of closing a little business of 4 years that has run it’s course for me, and I am wanting to change creative direction to be more in sync with my inner beliefs and calling. For a long time I’ve really not been taking good care of myself. I was trying so hard for an ideal of success that I sacrificed my body & spirit, definitely needing balance. High time to see to some inner housekeeping. Right now making no big goals or claims is reviving me. It feels good to have a fresh slate not already marked on and see what happens. :o)

  3. 3 tami August 28, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    i just started reading a book from the library called “crazybusy” – the author basically says most people are suffering from a version of add called modern life. i’m looking forward to finding out more about it and how to create some space in my life and head.

  4. 4 Diane August 29, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    I think this…not enough time; comes with the territory of an active, curious,and most of all creative mind….that wants to experience and share and learn. We have so much experience that’s good and I know I try to reach for all of it while keeping the “responsible ball” in the air. True with my work, true in retirement and true in my life.
    I do have friends that seem to have better success than I in limiting.

  5. 5 Elizabeth August 30, 2010 at 4:42 am

    I seem to be doing good in some areas these days, and horribly in others (particularly in the eating, it’s like I don’t hear hunger cues at all until I’m ravenous, very odd). Probably worth journaling on .. but it seems rather cyclical. I am finding that focusing on what makes me happy helps .. I get the important things done as well as (most of) the things that keep me healthy and sane.


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