Posts Tagged 'resistance'

Not telling

Five full days into my challenge of not talking about other people.

Oye, the insights. Not all easy or fun.

In fact, the resistance this has brought up from other people (mostly one other person, which of course I cannot tell you about) is heavy.

Most persuasive so far:

  • How much silence there is, i.e., how much I am refraining (on the other side, how much I would have been talking about others)
  • How unnecessary most of the comments are that I’m omitting
  • How little (at least in the conversations I’ve come across this week) we talk to each other about each other
  • There are conversations I am most likely avoiding by using filler talk
  • In interactions this week, my pledge seems to make those who know about it at best more mindful of their own speech, and at worst uncomfortable and awkward

I’ve heard from many of you that you are informally joining in this experiment or heightening your mindfulness around your current awareness of speech.

What are you discovering? What’s the hardest part?

In support of The Blog

Dearest Readers and Fellow Bloggers,

I need your help.

We are in the first week of Yoga Teacher Training at It’s All Yoga. Uh-mazing group of women stepping up to the unknown frontier of this practice.

One of their assignments is: start a blog where you will chronicle the journey of training for the next 5 months.

Upon discussion of this assignment on our first day some very valid resistance came up:

I’m not comfortable putting very private and personal information on the internet for all the world to see.

I hear ya.

When I first started blogging, a year ago exactly, it was very awkward to write things that felt like they belong in a diary.

And yet, I kept doing it. There was something powerful about baring it. Stating it out loud (well, technically in writing). Making a public declaration.

As a very private person, I actually found myself sharing more on this blog than I would otherwise.

Some days it helped me vent and work through frustration. Other days it helped me realign perspective by seeing something in a new light.

Admittedly, there may be things that do belong in your diary and not online for the world to see. Part of the process of blogging might be to sift through what’s appropriate and comfortable for you.

Pro-blogger tips aside (be of benefit, tell a story, how to build readership, etc.), since this assignment is for a specific purpose (to be an outlet and narrative account of yoga teacher training) I am hoping you can help me explore the benefits of expressing oneself in this medium.

Here’s what I have so far after in-class discussion and post-script reflection:

  • Can be like free therapy (sounding board, hearing yourself out loud, talking/writing through options)
  • A place to receive support and online hugs… sometimes from people you’ve never met, who care about you
  • Powerful to offer experiences, thoughts, vulnerabilities and insights publicly
  • Perhaps more inclined to share in writing; feels somewhat anonymous (in fact, can be completely anonymous)
  • A forum to watch your own progress and transformation
  • Inspiration for others who likely struggle with the same things in practice or life
  • Allows you to reach more people with your message
  • Strengthen skills of organizing and writing thoughts about your life experience
  • Could uncover hidden talents or interests and morph into a new life phase/path

Here’s what I ask of you: If you blog, why? What does it give you or do for you that writing in a journal (or not writing at all) wouldn’t?

If you read blogs (in particular, this blog), why? What do you get from reading other people’s experiences and thoughts? Does it benefit you in some way? How?

It is a good practice in any area of life to check in periodically: Why do I do this? Is it still working? Does something about it need to change?

The resistance and question of why a blog has been helpful for my personal investigation.

With no intent of convincing someone to do something they are viscerally opposed to, I hope to offer these benefits to the teacher trainee group in support of blogging.

Will you help?

***

p.s. I already know of and truly do understand the valid reason for not wanting to blog, so please kindly focus on the positives.

Holding on tightly to letting go

I’m getting exactly what I wanted:

  • February off
  • More admin help
  • Some nourishing time just for me
  • Some help/support as I look into my dark corners
  • Sooooo…

    1. There was a knot in my stomach last night in class when I announced that I wouldn’t be back until March.

    What if they don’t miss me? What if they really miss me and decide to leave?

    2. Alicia helped me disconnect during the Haramara retreat and all went swimmingly. So when she offered to permanently route the info@itsallyoga.com email to her rather than my computer, of course I said YES!

    And yet…. when it came down to disabling the account, my palms were sweaty. I waited three days.

    Well, maybe I’ll just keep it for a while and make sure she doesn’t need my help.

    3 & 4. Nourishing time and help with my shit came as a two-for-one – a Destuckification Retreat with my friend Havi at the Asilomar in Monterey. Next week. Right before my Month Off.

    More subs, less of a “send off” from teaching, more time away from the studio, guilt about going.

    I already get a Whole Month Off. Why should I get to go to this too?

    Leaving again. Asking Ron to do everything at the house; asking my colleagues to do everything at the studio.

    Sigh. This is some of the “stuck” stuff that I hope to work on next week. It’s scary to even say I’m going to work it. Or look at. Or think about it. Double sigh.

    Letting go… just a little.

    Damn that resistance

    As part of YTT, yesterday the ever-lovely Havi Brooks was with us to share her genius marketing advice (which might be as simple as “be yourself — in print, online, in class, and day to day, just be you”), inspiring us with the idea that you can actually make a living teaching yoga.

    As part of the workshop, Havi addressed the fact that some of us have serious resistance that makes us deaf to these topics in the first place: feeling like “marketing” is schmoozy and gross, issues around charging for our services and making money, fears and insecurities that undermine even the best laid plans. So we dealt with this first.

    Which meant, Shiva Nata.

    It’s sort of a dance, sort of a brain game, sort of fun, sort of frustrating. I’ve had the instructional DVD for a couple of years and now I know why I’ve never taken off the plastic wrap.

    No matter what it is… what is does is trippy. It messes with your brain, which wants to see patterns and make sense. The randomness is confusing and helps to short-circuit unconscious habits.

    Related to all of this, I had a dream last night of my high school boyfriend. He’s been showing up frequently in my dreams lately… talk about resistance.

    In the dream, I am married to and cheating on R to see this old boyfriend. The physical and emotional longing is intense, painful, immature, and very very old.

    I was upset when I awoke and didn’t want to talk to R about it, so I did the voices in my head.

    Me:
    I want this so badly.
    It’s familiar and comfortable.
    It comes from a time in my life when things were simple and innocent.
    I could leave everything I know and run away to this.
    I just want to be loved, I want him to accept and love me.
    He wants me so badly–I’ve always wanted him to want me.
    I feel so badly for betraying R.
    I’m so torn–feeling like two people at the same time.

    There were a bunch of horses in the dream, but I wasn’t getting that they were significant.

    Old bf:
    <crickets>

    And more crickets. And I couldn’t come up with anything. There’s no voice there at all.

    Let me back up and explain that as part of an exercise yesterday, Havi asked us to connect with a quality of resistance we were feeling. Right away I had my focus.

    She led us through a series of questions about the resistance…

    “What is it saying?”

    I need you to love me.

    “What does it want?”

    Forgiveness.

    But when she asked, “What next?” I heard those same crickets.

    Maybe I’m not ready to know, maybe I’m totally disconnected or on a different frequency.

    Like my impending kidney stone, I feel like I’m on the precipice of something… of letting go, a passing on, a moving through. Whatever it is, I can’t hear it… this voice of my resistance, symbolized by my asshole old boyfriend.


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